The following is a journal excerpt (mostly stream of consciousness) from August 29th, 2022. Two weeks prior, I decided not to renew my lease ending in two weeks. A week prior, I signed a lease in a new city and state.
I think God really is pushing me to live out from my heart center. And for me, someone left emotionally vulnerable and without decision making support early on, this is a lonely experience. I look for wisdom and can't find it. What I have found with the friends I've shared this [move] with is joy. I've found joy, an adventurous spirit, a willingness to fly, a compounding confidence. And those things will carry me forward in God's grace. Guess I need to learn to stop looking for things where I know they aren't. Celebration and pride are things I can get [in most of my relationships], so trust what you can count on. God has given me so much to tap into within; it is wild of me to not use it.
Your childhood is over, love. You are not going through life alone. Please remember that. But you are also built differently. You've navigated and endured hardship that uniquely colors how you show up in the world.
I think there's a smidge of resentment that the thing I needed is what I'm so good at giving others (duh!). I understand that being the way of life and spirit - guess I'm just not done mourning it yet.
I have new tools, new awareness. God's grace carried me through. That's no hyperbole. It is nothing short of a miracle that I am in my right mind with a desire to keep going, to nurture my dreams, to serve humanity, to remain seated in peace and joy. I still want that. After it all, I still want it.
The source of that miracle is so much more vast than the shallow lies that come for me daily. It is out of that vastness comes small efforts to move my body, energy to continue pushing to eat regularly, courage to take time off, [redacted], faith to decide to move to a new place, strength to ask for help, patience with my job, focus to heal my relationship with money. To choose aloneness over unsafe relationships and people pleasing.
You are supported. You are moving in the right (for you) direction.
God has really given me the heart to dream and imagine, and no matter where that takes me, that on its own is holy.
"If you escaped what I escaped, you'd be in Paris gettin' f*cked up too." When the dream feels scary or lonely, remember the dream is the blessing.
You are a miracle that comes from the vastness of God's love.
Seek joy early. Take your time with everything else. Keep practicing new ways of being.
The dream itself is the blessing.
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